Children can’t respond properly to warnings if they don’t hear them
clearly in the first place.
Finally, even if you forget all the emotion involved, as Mom or
Dad talks more and more, their basic message changes. When a parent
gives lots and lots of reasons to a child regarding why he should shape
up, the real message becomes: “You don’t have to behave unless I can
give you five or six good reasons why you should. And, gee, I
certainly hope you agree with my reasons.”
This is not discipline. The word describing this “strategy” starts
with the letter B. It’s begging. When you beg like this, you are (1)
trying to think for your child, (2) taking the responsibility for his
behavior, and (3) really caught up in the Little Adult Assumption.
What’s the average child going to do? He’s going to take issue
with your reasons. “Katie doesn’t always do what you say. Daddy’s
not coming home in half an hour.” Now you have, in effect, left the
discipline ballpark and you’re out in the street arguing. The main
issue—your child’s behavior—has been forgotten.
So if the child is acting up, it’s “That’s 1.” (Bite your tongue.)
Then, if necessary, “That’s 2” (Easy does it; keep quiet), and so on.
Count firmly but respectfully; your voice can be casual or even a little
stern. Remember that the magic is not in the counting. It’s in the
pregnant pause right after the warning. In that moment—if the adult
keeps still—the responsibility for the child’s behavior falls squarely
on the child’s own shoulders. You wouldn’t want it any other way.
When it comes to counting, your silence will speak louder than
your words.
Our Famous Twinkie Example
Our famous Twinkie example will help you better understand the
workings of the 1-2-3 program. This is a situation almost all parents
have experienced at one time or another, and you may remember it
from the beginning of the introduction to this book. Mom is cooking