Detachment
It (detachment) is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement 1
Al-Anon member
When I was trying to choose the topic for the first chapter in this section of the book, many subjects competed for first
place. I chose detachment not because it is significantly more important than the other concepts. I selected it because it is
an underlying concept. It is something we need to do frequently, as we strive to live happy lives. It is the goal of most
recovery programs for codependents. And, it is also something we must do firstbefore we can do the other things we need
to do. We cannot begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems
until we have detached from the object of our obsession. From my experiences (and those of others), it appears that even
our Higher Power can't do much with us until we have detached.
Attachment
When a codependent says, "I think I'm getting attached to you," look out! He or she probably means it.
Most codependents are attached to the people and problems in their environments. By "attachment," I don't mean normal
feelings of liking people, being concerned about problems, or feeling connected to the world. Attachment is becoming
overly-involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled.
page_57Page 58Attachment can take several forms:
· We may become excessively worried about, and preoccupied with, a problem or person (our mental energy is
attached).· Or, we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our environment (our
mental, physical, and emotional energy is directed at the object of our obsession).· We may become reactionaries, instead of acting authentically of our own volition (our mental, emotional, and physical
energy is attached).· We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us (now we're really attached).· We may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for
us).The problems with attachment are many. (In this chapter I will focus on worry and obsession. In following chapters I
will cover the other forms of attachment.) Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos; it can keep the
people around us in a state of chaos. If we're focusing all our energies on people and problems, we have little left for the
business of living our own lives. And, there is just so much worry and responsibility in the air. If we take it all on
ourselves, there is none left for the people around us. It overworks us and underworks them. Furthermore, worrying about
people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is
wasted energy.
"If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a fact, then you are residing on another planet with
a different reality system," wrote Dr. Wayne W Dyer in Your Erroneous Zones. 2
Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in
these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. We forfeit our
power and ability to think, feel, act, and take care of ourselves. We lose control.
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