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escape from it. Whoever thought you would turn into such a self-righteous witch?" 1

Angry feelings are a part of almost everyone's life. Children feel anger; teenagers feel anger; adults feel anger.
Sometimes, anger plays a small part in our lives and presents no particular problem. We blow off steam, and we're done
with it. We go on with the business of living, and the problem is resolved.

That is usually not the case with codependents, particularly if we are involved with an alcoholic, an addict, or someone
with a serious ongoing problem. Anger can become a large part of our lives. It can become our lives. The alcoholic is
mad, we're mad, the kids are mad, and so is the dog. Everyone is mad, all the time. Nobody ever seems to blow off
enough

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steam. Even if we aren't shouting, even if we're trying to pretend we're not angry, we're mad. We give looks and make
little gestures that give us away. Hostility lurks just below the surface, waiting for a chance to come out in the open. The
anger sometimes explodes like a bomb, but nobody ever gets done with it. The alcoholic says, "How dare you become
angry with me? I'm the king. I'll get angry with you, but not the other way around." The codependent says, "After all I've
done for you, I'll get angry any time I please." But silently, the codependent wonders: Maybe he or she is right.... How
dare we get angry with the alcoholic? There must be something wrong with us for feeling this way. We deal another
blow to our self-worth with a little guilt tacked on. Plus, the anger is still there. The problems don't get resolved; the
anger doesn't blow over. It festers and boils.

Even with the gift of sobriety or recovery from any ongoing problem, the anger may and usually does linger. 2 Usually,
it has reached a peak by the time the alcoholic gets help. Nobody, including the alcoholic, can stand the insanity any
longer. Sometimes it gets worse. The codependent may learn for the first time that it isn't the codependent's fault. The
codependent may even feel new anger for having believed for so long it was! It may be safe for the first time for the
codependent to feel and express anger. Things may finally have calmed down enough for the codependent to realize how
angry he or she was and is. This can cause more conflicts. The alcoholic may expect and want to start freshminus the
dirty laundry from the pastnow that he or she has begun a new life.

So the alcoholic says, "How dare you get angry now? We're starting over."

And the codependent replies, "That's what you think. I'm just getting started."

Then the codependent may add to his or her low self-worth and guilt another silent, torturing thought: "The alcoholic is
right. How dare I be angry now? I should be ecstatic. I should be grateful. There's something wrong with me."

Then everyone feels guilty, because everyone feels angry. And everyone feels angrier because they feel guilty. They feel
cheated and mad

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because sobriety did not bring the joy it had promised. It was not the turning point for living happily ever after. Don't
misunderstand. It's better. It's a lot better when people become sober. But sobriety is not a magical cure for anger and
relationship problems. The old anger burns away. New anger fuels the fire. The chemical or problem can no longer be
blamed, although it frequently still is. The chemicals can no longer be used to medicate the angry feelings. Often,
codependents can no longer even get the sympathy and nurturing we need from friends. We think it's wonderful that the
alcoholic has quit drinking or the problem has been solved. What's wrong with us? we ask. Can't we forgive and forget?
And once more the codependent wonders, What is wrong with me?

Anger may be a commonplace emotion, but it is tough to deal with. Most of us haven't been taught how to deal with
anger, because people show us how they deal with anger; they don't teach us. And most people show us inappropriate
ways to deal with anger because they're not sure either.

People may give us good advice. "Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." 3 "Don't seek