84 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
We also have to be willing to verbalize this commitment even
when our partner seems committed to winning. We act on faith
that our partner is stuck in silence or violence because he or she
feels unsafe. We assume that if we build more safety-by
demonstrating our commitment to finding a Mutual Purpose
the other person will feel more confident that dialogue could be
a productive avenue.
So next time you find yourself stuck in a battle of wills, try this
amazingly powerful but simple skill. Step out of the content of
the struggle and make it safe. Simply say, "It seems like we're
both trying to force our view. I commit to stay in this discussion
until we have a solution both of us are happy with." Then watch
whether safety takes a turn for the better.
.Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy
Wanting to come up with a shared goal is a wonderful first step,
but it's not enough. Once we've had a change of heart, we need
to change our strategy. Here's the problem we have to fix: When
we find ourselves at an impasse, it's because we're asking for one
thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think
we'll never find a way out because we equate what we're asking
for with what we want. In truth, what we're asking for is the
strategy we're suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants
or purpose with strategies. That's the problem.
For example, I come home from work and say that I want to
go to a movie. You say that you want to stay home and relax.
And so we debate: movie, TV, movie, read, etc. We figure we'll
never be able to resolve our differences because going out and
staying home are incompatible.
In such circumstances we can break the impasse by asking
others, "Why do you want that?" In this case,