94 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSsitting quietly at home watching TV and your mother-in-law (who
lives with you) walks in. She glances around and then starts pick
ing up the mess you made a few minutes earlier when you
whipped up a batch of nachos. This ticks you off. She's always
smugly skulking around the house, thinking you're a slob.
A few minutes later when your spouse asks you why you're so
upset, you explain, "It's your mom again. I was lying here enjoy
ing myself when she gave me that look, and it really got me
going. To be honest, I wish she would quit doing that. It's my
only day off, I'm relaxing quietly, and then she walks in and
pushes my buttons."
"Does she push your buttons?" your spouse asks. "Or do
you?"
That's an interesting question.
One thing's for certain. No matter who is doing the button
pushing, some people tend to react more explosively than others
and to the same stimulus, no less. Why is that? For instance, what
enables some people to listen to withering feedback without flin
ching, whereas others pitch a fit when you tell them they've got a
smear of salsa on their chin? Why is it that sometimes you your
self can take a verbal blow to the gut without batting an eye, but
other times you go ballistic if someone so much as looks at you
sideways?
EMOTIONS DON'T JUST HAPPEN
To answer these questions, we'll start with two rather bold (and
sometimes unpopular) claims. Then, having tipped our hand, we'll
explain the logic behind each claim.
Claim One. Emotions don't settle upon you like a fog. They
are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable
it might make you feel saying it-others don't make you mad.
You make you mad. You and only you create your emotions.