96 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONShe does. As a result, when the two work together, you could cut
the tension with a knife.What's Making Maria Mad?
The worst at dialogue fall into the trap Maria has fallen into.
Maria is completely unaware of a dangerous assumption she's
making. She's upset at being overlooked and is keeping a pro
fessional silence. She's assuming that her emotions and behavior
are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circum
stances. She's convinced that anyone in her place would feel the
same way.
Here's the problem. Maria is treating her emotions as if they are
the only valid response. Since, in her mind, they are both justified
and accurate, she makes no effort to change or even question
them. In fact, in her view, Louis caused them. Ultimately, her
actions (saying nothing and taking cheap shots) are being driven
by these very emotions. Since she's not acting on her emotions, her
emotions are acting on her-controlling her behavior and driving
her deteriorating relationship with Louis. The worst at dialogue
are hostages to their emotions, and they don't even know it.
The good at dialogue realize that if they don't control their
emotions, matters will get worse. So they try something else.
They fake it. They choke down reactions and then do their best
to get back to dialogue. At least, they give it a shot.
Unfortunately, once they hit a rough spot in a crucial conver
sation, their suppressed emotions come out of hiding. They show
up as tightened jaws or sarcastic comments. Dialogue takes a hit.
Or maybe their paralyzing fear causes them to avoid saying what
they really think. Meaning is cut off at the source. In any case,
their emotions sneak out of the cubbyhole they've been crammed
into and find a way into the conversation. It's never pretty, and
it always kills dialogue.