MASTER MY STORIES 97The best at dialogue do something completely different. They
aren't held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or
suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when
they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their
emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their
emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors
that create better results.
This, of course, is easier said than done. How do you rethink
yourself from an emotional and dangerous state into one that
puts you back in control?
Where should Maria start? To help rethink or gain control of
our emotions, let's see where our feelings come from in the first
place. Let's look at a model that helps us first examine and then
gain control of our own emotions.
Consider Maria. She's feeling hurt but is worried that if she
says something to Louis, she'll look too emotional, so she alter
nates between holding her feelings inside (avoiding) and taking
cheap shots (masking).
As Figure 6-1 demonstrates, Maria's actions stem from her feel
ings. First she feels and then she acts. That's easy enough, but it
Feel--......Act
hurt silence
worried cheap
shotsFigure 6-1. How Feelings Drive Actions