Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

1 54 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

EXPLORING WENDY'S PATH

Now let's put the several skills together in a single interaction. We'll

return to Wendy. She has just come home from a date with the guy

who has you frightened. You yank the door open, pull Wendy into

the house, and double-bolt your entrance. Then you talk, sort of.

WENDY: How could you embarrass me like that! 1 get one

boy to like me, and now he'll never talk to me again! 1

hate you!

You: That wasn't a boy. That was a future inmate. You're

worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time

with him?

WENDY: You're ruining my life. Leave me alone!

After Wendy's bedroom door slams shut, you drop down
into a chair in the living room. Your emotions are running
wild. You're terrified about what could happen if Wendy con­
tinues to see this guy. You're hurt that she said she hated you.
You feel that your relationship with her is spiraling out of
control.
So you ask yourself, "What do 1 really want?" As you mull this
question over, your motives change. The goals of controlling
Wendy and defending your pride drop from the top to the bottom
of your list. The goal that's now at the top looks a bit more inspir­
ing: "I want to understand what she's feeling. 1 want a good rela­
tionship with Wendy. And I want her to make choices that will
make her happy."
You're not sure if tonight is the best or worst time to talk, but you
know that talking is the only path forward. So you give it a shot.

You: (Tapping on door.) Wendy? May I talk with you

please?

WENDY: Whatever.