EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS 157you were both saying to realize that you weren't really disagree
ing, but violently agreeing.
Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of
the facts and stories that people disagree over. And while it's true
that people eventually need to work through differences, you
shouldn't start there. Start with an area of agreement.
So here's the take-away. If you completely agree with the
other person's path, say so and move on. Agree when you agree.
Don't turn an agreement into an argument.
Ruild
Of course, the reason most of us turn agreements into debates is
because we disagree with a certain portion of what the other per
son has said. Never mind that it's a minor portion. If it's a point
of disagreement, we'll jump all over it like a fleeing criminal.
Actually, we're trained to look for minor errors from an early
age. For instance, we learn in kindergarten that if you have the
right answer, you're the teacher's pet. Being right is good. Of
course, if others have the right answer they get to be the pet. So
being right first is even better. You learn to look for even the tini
est of errors in others' facts, thinking, or logic. Then you point
out the errors. Being right at the expense of others is best.
By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual
Ph.D. in catching trivial differences and turning them into a
major deal. So when another person offers up a suggestion
(based on facts and stories), you're looking to disagree. And
when you do find a minor difference, you turn this snack into a
meal. Instead of remaining in healthy dialogue, you end up in
violent agreement.
On the other hand, when you watch people who are skilled in
dialogue, it becomes clear that they're not playing this everyday