Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

158 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

game of Trivial Pursuit-looking for trivial differences and then
proclaiming them aloud. In fact, they're looking for points of
agreement. As a result, they'll often start with the words "I
agree." Then they talk about the part they agree with. At least,
that's where they start.
Now when the other person has merely left out an element of
the argument, skilled people will agree and then build. Rather
than saying: "Wrong. You forgot to mention ... ," they say:
"Absolutely. In addition, I noticed that ... "
If you agree with what has been said but the information is
incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement and then add
elements that were left out of the discussion.

.compare

Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other

person's. That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is

wrong, suggest that you differ. He or she may, in fact, be

wrong, but you don't know for sure until you hear both sides

of the story. For now, you just know that the two of you differ.

So instead of pronouncing "Wrong!" start with a tentative but

candid opening such as "I think I see things differently. Let me

describe how."

Then share your path using the STATE skills from Chapter 7.

That is, begin by sharing your observations. Share them tenta­

tively, and invite others to test your ideas. After you've shared

your path, invite the other person to help you compare it with

his or her experience. Work together to explore and explain the

differences.

In summary, to help remember these skills, think of your

ABCs. Agree when you agree. Build when others leave out key

pieces. Compare when you differ. Don't tum differences into

debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.