164 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSFor instance, consider a conversation we referred to earlier-the
one you had with your daughter's schoolteacher. Should you hold
your child back? Whose choice is this anyway? Who decides
whose choice it is? Does everyone have a say, then a vote? Is it
the school officials' responsibility, so they choose? Since parents
have ultimate responsibility, should they consult with the appro
priate experts and then decide? Is there even a clear answer to
this tough question?
A case like this is hand-tooled for dialogue. All of the partici
pants need to get their meaning into the pool-including their
opinions about who should make the final choice. That's part of
the meaning you need to discuss. If you don't openly talk about
who decides and why, and your opinions vary widely, you're like
ly to end up in a heated battle that can only be resolved in court.
Handled poorly, that's exactly where these kind of issues are
resolved-The lones Family vs. Happy Va lley School District.
So what's a person to do? Talk openly about your child's abil
ities and interests as well as about how the final choice will be
made. Don't mention lawyers or a lawsuit in your opening com
ments; this only reduces safety and sets up an adversarial cli
mate. Your goal is to have an open, honest, and healthy discus
sion about a child, not to exert your influence, make threats, or
somehow beat the educators. Stick with the opinions of the
experts at hand, and discuss how and why they should be
involved. When decision-making authority is unclear, use your
best dialogue skills to get meaning into the pool. Jointly decide
how to decide.
The Four Methods of Decision Making
When you're deciding how to decide, it helps to have a way of
talking about the decision-making options available. There are
four common ways of making decisions: command, consult,