Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

198 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

spent. Motivation to support the new plan dissipated, and the
team ran short of cash.
When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new
initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem
when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement. Success
does not depend on perfect compliance with new expectations,
but on teammates who hold crucial conversations with one
another when others appear to be reverting to old patterns.

DEFERENCE TO AUTHORITY

PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR ME FILTER WHAT they say by

guessing what they think I'm willing to hear. Th ey take

"YEAH,

BUT ... little initiative in solving important problems because

they're afraid 1'1/ disagree with them."

The Danger Point

When leaders face deference-or what feels like kissing up­
they typically make one of two mistakes. Either they misdiagnose
the cause (fear), or they try to banish deference with a brash
command.
Misdiagnose. Often, leaders are causing the fear but denying
it. "Who me? I don't do a thing to make people feel uncomfort­
able." They haven't Learned to Look. They're unaware of their
Style Under Stress. Despite this disclaimer, the way they carry
themselves, their habit of speaking in absolutes, their subtle use
of authority-something out there-is creating fear and eventual
deference.
Then there's the other misdiagnosis: leaders who face "head­
bobbing kiss-ups" often think they're doing something wrong
when, in fact, they're living with ghosts of previous leaders. They
do their best to be open and supportive and to involve people,