224 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
the victory. Self-improvement is achieved by individuals who
appreciate direction more than those who demand perfection.
Apply disincentives. You might consider disincentives as well.
Take a look at what went on at Stanford a few years back.
Subjects who were trying to lose weight were asked to write a
donation check to an organization they despised. These checks
were then set aside, never to be mailed unless the subjects failed
to live up to their goals-at which point five hundred dollars
was sent to Americans for Nuclear Proliferation or something
equally distasteful to the subject. As predicted, subjects did bet
ter when they used disincentives.l
Go pUblic. Let others know that you're trying to routinely
hold crucial conversations. Explain what you're doing and why.
Over half a century ago, Dr. Kurt Lewin, the father of social psy
chology, learned that when subjects made a public commitment
to do something, they were more likely to stay the course than if
they kept their wishes to themselves.2 Tell people what your
goals are. Get social pressure working in your favor.
Ta lk with your boss. If you want to take it a step further, sit
down with your boss and explain your goals. Ask for his or her
support. If you want to put some real teeth into your goal, build
your plan into your performance review. As a leader, you're almost
always asked to pick one "soft area" listed on your performance
review forms and work on it. Select dialogue. You might as well
tie your plans for improvement into the formal reward system.
Align your personal, family, and organizational goals to a single
goal-improving your dialogue skills.
Remember the costs; fo cus on the reward. Perhaps the most
predictive piece of social science research ever conducted was
completed with small children and marshmallows. A child was
put in a room and then told that he or she could have either one
marshmallow now or two if he or she was willing to wait until
the adult returned in a few minutes. The adult would then place