34 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSyou starting to change your goal to save face, avoid embarrass
ment, win, be right, or punish others? Here's the tricky part. Our
motives usually change without any conscious thought on our
part. When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow
with the chemical tide.
In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you
must step away from the interaction and look at yourself
much like an outsider. Ask yourself: "What am I doing, and if I
had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?"
As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you
might conclude: "Let's see. I'm pushing hard, making the argu
ment stronger than I actually believe, and doing anything to
win. I've shifted from trying to select a vacation location to try
ing to win an argument."
Once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart,
you can make conscious choices to change them. "What I really
want is to genuinely try to select a vacation spot we can all
enjoy-rather than try to win people over to my ideas." Put suc
cinctly, when you name the game, you can stop playing it.
But how? How do you recognize what has happened to you,
stop playing games, and then influence your own motives? Do
what Greta did. Stop and ask yourself some questions that
return you to dialogue. You can ask these questions either when
you fi nd yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when
you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation. Here are some
great ones:
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
Once you've asked yourself what you want, add one more
equally telling question: