Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

START WITH HEART 35

How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

Find your bearings. There are two good reasons for asking these
questions. First, the answer to what we really want helps us to
locate our own North Star. Despite the fact that we're being tempt­
ed to take the wrong path by (1) people who are trying to pick a
fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hardwiring that brings our
emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of try­
ing to win, our North Star returns us to our original purpose.

"What do I really want? Oh yeah, I guess it's not to make

the other person squirm or to preen in front of a crowd. I

want people to freely and openly talk about what it'll take

to cut costs."

Ta ke charge of your body. The second reason for asking what
we really want is no less important. When we ask ourselves what
we really want, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce
complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solv­
ing part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with
intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present
our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious
blood to the parts of our brain that help us think, and away from
the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.
Asking questions about what we really want serves two
important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it
juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.

Common Deviations

As we step up to a crucial conversation, fully intending to stim­

ulate the flow of meaning, many of us quickly change our origi­

Ilal objectives to much less healthy goals. For instance, when

Greta fell under public attack, her immediate reaction was to do