Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

START WITH HEART 39

What makes these Sucker's Choices is that they're always

set up as the only two options available. It's the worst of

either/or thinking. The person making the choice never sug­

gests there's a third option that doesn't call for unhealthy

behavior. For example, maybe there's a way to be honest and

respectful. Perhaps we can express our candid opinion to our

boss and be safe.

Those offering up a Sucker's Choice either don't think of a

third (and healthy) option-in which case it's an honest but

tragic mistake-or set up the false dichotomy as a way of jus­

tifying their unattractive actions. "I'm sorry, but I just had to

destroy the guy's self-image if I was going to keep my integrity.

It wasn't pretty, but it was the right thing to do."

Open Yourself to Change

Not only do Sucker's Choices set us up to take ineffective
actions, but they close us down to change. They present our
brain with problems easily solved with restricted blood flow.
After all, if we are simply choosing between fight and flight,
who needs much creative thought?
They also keep us stuck in ineffective strategies by justifying
our attacking or retreating behaviors. Why alter our behavior
when we're the only one savvy enough to keep quiet? "Stand
up to my boss? What turnip wagon did you just fall off?" "Tell
my spouse that her parental style is too controlling? No way.
I'll pay for years." In a similar vein, why would you ever change
when you think you're the only one around with an ounce of
integrity? "Somebody has to state the ugly truth. It's the only
way I can look myself in the mirror."
In summary, Sucker's Choices are simplistic tradeoffs that
keep us r rom thinking creatively of ways to get to dialogue, and
that justify our silly games.