40 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
So how do we break away from perverted logic that keeps us
trapped in hurtful behavior?
Search for the Elusive And
The best at dialogue refuse Sucker's Choices by setting up new
choices. They present themselves with tougher questions
questions that turn the either/or choice into a search for the all
important and ever-elusive and. (It is an endangered species,
you know.) Here's how this works.
First, clarify what you really want. You've got a head start if
you've already Started with Heart. If you know what you want
for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you're in
position to break out of the Sucker's Choice.
"What I want is for my husband to be more reliable. I'm
tired of being let down by him when he makes commit
ments that I depend on."
Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to
framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will
happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of
trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you
stop pushing so hard? Or if you don't try to escape? What hor
rible outcome makes game-playing an attractive and sensible
option?
"What I don't want is to have a useless and heated conver
sation that creates bad feelings and doesn't lead to change."
Third, present your brain with a more complex problem.
Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to
search for more creative and productive options than silence and
violence.