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Susie had a common problem. She had made choices on the
outside. She had moved away from the family she grew up in to
pursue a career on her own. She had been paying her own bills.
She had even gotten married and had a child. But on the inside,
things were different. She did not have emotional permission to
be a separate person, make free choices about her life, and not
feel guilty when she did not do what her parents wanted. She
could still yield to pressure.
The real problem is on the inside. Remember, boundaries
define someone’s property. Susie, and others like her, do not
really “own” themselves. People who own their lives do not feel
guilty when they make choices about where they are going.
They take other people into consideration, but when they make
choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love,
not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad.
Signs of a Lack of Boundaries
Let’s look at some common signs of a lack of boundaries
with the family we grew up in.
Catching the Virus
A common scenario is this: one spouse doesn’t have good
emotional boundaries with the family he grew up in—his fam-
ily of origin. Then when he has contact with them by phone or
in person, he becomes depressed, argumentative, self-critical,
perfectionistic, angry, combative, or withdrawn. It is as though
he “catches” something from his family of origin and passes it on
to his immediate family.
His family of origin has the power to affect his new family in
a trickle-down effect. One sure sign of boundary problems is
when your relationship with one person has the power to affect
your relationships with others. You are giving one person way
too much power in your life.
I remember one young woman who made steady gains in
therapy until she talked to her mother, when she would with-
draw for three weeks. She would say things like, “I’m not chang-
Boundaries