143willpower, for they will always let us down. Paul cried out that
he did what he didn’t want to do, and he didn’t do what he
wanted to do (Rom. 7:19). He was stuck. We all experience the
same conflict. Even when we commit to a loving friendship, bad
things happen. We let them down. Feelings go sour. Simply
white-knuckling it won’t reestablish the relationship.
We can solve our dilemma the same way Paul solved his:
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in
Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). The answer is being “in Christ Jesus”—
in other words, in relationship with Christ, both vertically and hor-
izontally. As we stay connected to God, to our friends, and to our
support groups, we are filled up with the grace to hang in there
and fight out the boundary conflicts that arise. Without this exter-
nal source of connection, we’re doomed to an empty willpower
that ultimately fails or makes us think we’re omnipotent.
Again, the Bible teaches that all commitment is based on a
loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and will-
ful decision-making—not the reverse.
How does this apply to friendships? Look at it this way. How
would you feel if your best buddy approached you and said: “I
just wanted to tell you that the only reason we’re friends is
because I’m committed to our friendship. There’s nothing that
draws me to you. I don’t particularly enjoy your company. But I
will keep choosing to be your friend.”
You probably wouldn’t feel very safe or cherished in this rela-
tionship. You’d suspect you were being befriended out of oblig-
ation, not out of love. Don’t let anyone fool you. All friendships
need to be based on attachment, or they have a shaky foundation.
The second problem with thinking that friendships are weaker
than institutionalized relationships such as marriage, church, and
work is in assuming that those three aren’t attachment-based. It
simply isn’t true. If it were, wedding vows would ensure a zero
percent divorce rate. Professions of faith would ensure faithful
church attendance. A hiring would ensure one hundred percent
attendance at work. These three important institutions, so crucial
to our lives, are, to a large degree, attachment-based.
Boundaries and Your Friends