149worked out according to the spouses’ individual abilities and
interests. Where boundaries can get confusing is in the elements
of personhood—the elements of the soul that each person pos-
sesses and can choose to share with someone else.
The problem arises when one trespasses on the other’s
personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the
feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other.
These things only each individual can control. To try to control
these things is to violate someone’s boundaries, and ultimately,
it will fail. Our relationship with Christ—and any other suc-
cessful relationship—is based on freedom.
Let’s look at some common examples:
Feelings
One of the most important elements that promotes intimacy
between two people is the ability of each to take responsibility
for his or her own feelings.
I was counseling a couple who were having marital problems
because of the husband’s drinking. I asked the wife to tell her
husband how she felt when he drank.
“I feel like he doesn’t think about what he’s doing. I feel like
he.. .”
“No, you are evaluating his drinking. How do you feel about it?”
“I feel like he doesn’t care....”
“No,” I said, “That is what you think about him. How do you
feel when he drinks?”
She started to cry. “I feel very alone and afraid.” She had
finally said what she felt.
At that point her husband reached out and put his hand on
her arm. “I never knew you were afraid,” he said. “I would never
want to make you afraid.”
This conversation was a real turning point in their relation-
ship. For years the wife had been nagging her husband about
the way he was and about the way he should be. He responded
by blaming her and justifying his actions. In spite of hours
and hours of talking, they had continued to talk past each other.
Boundaries and Your Spouse