Boundaries

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This is truly loving our partner and the marriage. The most
responsible behavior possible is usually the most difficult.

The Law of Power

We have looked at our basic inability to change another per-
son. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going.
Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that
way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better
path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and
we stop trying to wield the power no one has. Contrast these
ways of reacting:

Boundaries and Your Spouse

BEFORE BOUNDARIES

1. “Stop yelling at me. You must
   be nicer.”


2. “You’ve just got to stop
   drinking. It’s ruining our
   family. Please listen. You’re
   wrecking our lives.”


3. “You are a pervert to look at
   pornography. That’s so
   degrading. What kind of a
   sick person are you anyway?”

AFTER BOUNDARIES

1. “You can continue to yell if
   you choose to. But I will
   choose not to be in your
   presence when you act that
   way.”


2. “You may choose to not deal
   with your drinking if you
   want. But I will not continue
   to expose myself and the chil-
   dren to this chaos. The next
   time you are drunk, we will
   go to the Wilsons’ for the
   night, and we will tell them
   why we are there. Your
   drinking is your choice. What
   I will put up with is mine.”


3. “I will not choose to share
   you sexually with naked
   women in magazines. It’s up
   to you. I will only sleep with
   someone who is interested in
   me. Make up your mind and
   choose.”