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These are all examples of taking power over what you do
have power over—yourself—and giving up trying to control and
have power over someone else.
The Law of Evaluation
When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set
boundaries, your partner may be hurt. In evaluating the pain
that your boundary setting causes your spouse, remember that
love and limits go together. When you set boundaries, be lov-
ingly responsible to the person in pain.
Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and
act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and
self-centered will react angrily.
Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not
the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do
something—even respect your boundaries. You are setting
boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these
kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control
over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to con-
trol a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and begin-
ning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and
allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior.
The Law of Exposure
In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for
revealing your boundaries is important. Passive boundaries,
such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-
aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship.
Passive ways of showing people that they do not have control
over you never lead to intimacy. They never educate the other
on who you really are; they only estrange.
Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then
with actions. They need to be clear and unapologetic. Remem-
ber the types of boundaries we listed earlier: skin, words, truth,
physical space, time, emotional distance, other people, conse-
quences. All of these boundaries need to be respected and
revealed at different times in marriage.
Boundaries