161other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness.
But in your relationship, you have divided the 200 points differ-
ently. You are expressing all of the 100 together points, and he
is expressing the 100 points of separateness.
“If you want him to move toward you,” I continued, “you
need to move away from him and create some space for longing.
I don’t think Paul ever gets a chance to miss you. You’re always
pursuing him, and he is turning away to create space. If you
would create some space, he would have some space to long for
you in, and then he would pursue you.”
“That’s exactly right,” Paul broke in. “Honey, it’s like when
you were getting your graduate degree and were gone so much.
Remember? I used to long to see you. I don’t get a chance to
miss you now. You’re always around.”
Meredith was reluctant to concede my point, but eager to
explore with Paul ways to bring balance to their marital relationship.
Balance. It’s something that God has wired into every sys-
tem. Every system tries to find balance in any way it can. And
many dimensions need to be balanced in a marriage: power,
strength, togetherness, sex, and so on. Problems come when,
instead of trading places in these areas, one spouse is always
powerful and the other powerless; one spouse is always strong
and the other weak; one spouse always wants togetherness and
the other wants separateness; one spouse always wants sex and
the other doesn’t. In each case, the couple has struck a balance,
but it is not a mutual balance.
Boundaries help create mutual balance, instead of split bal-
ance. They help couples keep each other accountable. If some-
one does not have boundaries and begins to do another’s work
for him, such as creating all the togetherness in the relationship,
that person is on the road to codependency or worse. The other
partner will live out the opposite side of the split. Boundaries
keep partners accountable through consequences and force the
balance to become mutual.
The Preacher in Ecclesiastes says, “There is a time for every-
thing, and a season for every activity under heaven” (3:1). There
are balanced polarities in life and relationship. When you find
Boundaries and Your Spouse