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yourself in an unequal relationship, you may lack boundaries.
Setting boundaries may correct the imbalance. For example,
when Paul sets boundaries on Meredith’s demands, he forces
her to become more independent.
Resolution
It is often easy to see problems, but difficult to make the
hard choices and risks that result in change. Let’s look at the
steps toward personal change in a marital relationship.
- Inventory the symptom. First, you need to recognize the
problem and agree to take action to solve it. You will not resolve
the problem by wishing. You need to own the problem, whether
it be sex, discipline of the children, lack of togetherness, or
unfair spending of money. - Identify the specific boundary problem. One step beyond
identifying the symptom is putting your finger on the specific
boundary issue. For instance, the symptom may be that one per-
son does not want sex; the boundary problem may be that this
person does not say no often enough in other areas of the rela-
tionship so that this is the one place that she has some power.
Or, she may feel as if she does not have enough control in the
sexual arena. She may feel powerless; she may feel that her
choices are not honored. - Find the origins of the conflict. This is probably not the
first relationship in which this boundary issue has arisen. You
probably learned to relate this way in a significant relationship
in the family in which you grew up. Certain fears that were
developed in that relationship are still operative. You need to
name these original issues; you may need to stop confusing your
parent with your spouse. No other relationship repeats parental
conflicts more often than the marriage relationship. - Take in the good. This step involves establishing a support
system. Remember, “Boundaries are not built in a vacuum.” We
need bonding and support before we build boundaries; the fear
of abandonment keeps many people from setting boundaries in
the first place.
Boundaries