163For this reason, establish a support system that will encourage
boundary setting in your marriage. This may be a co-dependency
group, Al-Anon, a therapist, a marriage counselor, or a pastor. Do
not set boundaries alone. You have not set boundaries because you
are afraid; the only way out is through support. “And if one can
overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three
strands is not quickly torn apart” (Ecc. 4:12). Boundaries are like
muscles. They need to be built up in a safe support system and
allowed to grow. If you try to shoulder too much weight too
quickly, your muscles may tear or be pulled. Get help.
- Practice. Practice new boundaries in safe relationships,
relationships in which people love you unconditionally. Tell a
good friend no when you can’t do lunch, or let her know when
your opinion differs from hers, or give something to her without
expecting anything in return. As you practice setting limits with
safe people, you will begin to grow in your ability to set limits in
your marriage. - Say no to the bad. Put limits on the bad in your marriage.
Stand up to abuse; say no to unreasonable demands. Remember
the parable of the talents. There was no growth without risk and
a facing up to fear. Being successful is not as important as step-
ping out and trying. - Forgive. To not forgive is to lack boundaries. Unforgiving
people allow other people to control them. Setting people who
have hurt you free from an old debt is to stop wanting something
from them; it sets you free as well. Forgiving can lead to proactive
behavior in the present, instead of passive wishes from the past. - Become proactive. Instead of allowing someone else to be
in control, figure out what you want to do, set your course, and
stick to it. Decide what your limits are, what you will allow your-
self to be a party to, what you will no longer tolerate, and what
consequences you will set. Define yourself proactively, and you
will be ready to maintain your boundaries when the time comes. - Learn to love in freedom and responsibility. Remember
the goal of boundaries: love coming out of freedom. This is the
true self-denial of the New Testament. When you are in control
Boundaries and Your Spouse