172
Both Jimmy and Paul come from Christian homes with lots of
love and an adherence to biblical values. Why did they turn out
so differently? Jimmy’s family allowed disagreements between
parent and child and gave him practice in the skill of boundary
setting, even with them. Jimmy’s mom would be holding and hug-
ging her two-year-old when he would get fidgety. He’d say,
“Down,” meaning, “Let me get a little breathing space, Ma.”
Fighting her own impulses to hold on to her child, she would set
him down on the floor and say, “Wanna play with your trucks?”
Jimmy’s dad used the same philosophy. When wrestling with
his son on the floor, he tried to pay attention to Jimmy’s limits.
When the going got too rough, or when Jimmy was tired, he
could say, “Stop, Daddy,” and Dad would get up. They’d go to
another game.
Jimmy was receiving boundary training. He was learning
that when he was scared, in discomfort, or wanted to change
things, he could say no. This little word gave him a sense of
power in his life. It took him out of a helpless or compliant posi-
tion. And Jimmy could say it without receiving an angry and hurt
response, or a manipulative countermove, such as, “But Jimmy,
Mommy needs to hold you now, okay?”
Jimmy learned from infancy on that his boundaries were
good and that he could use them to protect himself. He learned
to resist things that weren’t good for him.
A hallmark of Jimmy’s family was permission to disagree.
When, for example, Jimmy would fight his parents about his
bedtime, they never withdrew or punished him for disagreeing.
Instead, they would listen to his reasoning, and, if it seemed
appropriate, they would change their minds. If not, they would
maintain their boundaries.
Jimmy was also given a vote in some family matters. When
family night out would come up, his parents listened to his opin-
ion on whether they should go to a movie, play board games, or
play basketball. Was this a family with no limits? On the con-
trary! It was a family who took boundary setting seriously—as a
skill to develop in its children.
Boundaries