215their newfound relationships, these people will often retreat to
their rooms to work out the problem. They’ll spend several
hours or a day doing everything possible to get back under con-
trol. They’ll talk positively to themselves or read Scriptures com-
pulsively to try to make themselves “feel better.”
It is only when this attempt at a solution breaks down that
they finally realize that these spiritual pains and burdens need
to be brought out of themselves to the body of Christ. To the
isolated person, nothing feels more frightening, unsafe, or
unwise. Such a person needs to feel very secure before she will
risk taking her spiritual and emotional problems to other people.
And yet the Bible doesn’t recognize any other answer to our
problems. Grace must come from the outside of ourselves to be
useful and healing. Just as the branch withers without the vine
(John 15:1–6), we can sustain neither life nor emotional repair
without bonding to God and others. God and his people are the
fuel, the energy source from which any problem is addressed.
We need to be “joined and held together by every supporting lig-
ament” (Eph. 4:16) of the body of Christ to heal and to grow up.
Whether our boundary issue is food, substances, sex, time,
projects, the tongue, or money, we can’t solve it in a vacuum. If
we could, we would. But the more we isolate ourselves, the
harder our struggle becomes. Just like an untreated cancer can
become life-threatening in a short time, self-boundary problems
will worsen with increased aloneness.
- We try to use willpower to solve our boundary problems.
“I’ve got it solved!” Pete was excited about his newfound victory
over his overspending. A dedicated Christian and a leader in his
church, he was intensely concerned about his out-of-control
finances. “I made a vow to God and myself that I’ll never spend
beyond my budget again! It’s so simple, but so true!”
Not wanting to burst Pete’s bubble, I adopted a wait-and-
see attitude. I didn’t have to wait long. The next week he came
in, feeling discouraged and hopeless.
“I just couldn’t stop myself,” he lamented. “I went out and
bought sports equipment; then my wife and I purchased new fur-
Boundaries and Your Self