The list could go on, but it points to a fundamental truth: Our
relationship with our mother either in the past or present hasn’t left
us where we want to be. You may wish you and your mom were
closer. And you may wish she had better prepared you for other
aspects of life.
For not only does the quality of your relationship with your
mother dictate how things go between the two of you, it also dras-
tically impacts all areas of your life. Not only do we learn our pat-
terns of intimacy, relating, and separateness from mother, but we
also learn about how to handle failure, troublesome emotions,
expectations and ideals, grief and loss, and many of the other com-
ponents that make up our “emotional IQ”^1 —that part of us that
guarantees whether or not we will be successful at love and work.
In short, the following two realities largely determine our emo-
tional development:
1 .How we were mothered- How we have responded to that mothering
Dave got out of the car in the flower shop parking lot. It was
another apology bouquet day. His wife, Cindy, had been in tears
last night when she had staged a special evening alone with him
without the kids. Dinner had gone well, and she had been looking
forward to an evening of intimacy and vulnerability. Yet when she
looked into his eyes and asked him how he was feeling about their
marriage and life in general, Dave had shut down inside. As usual
he was at a loss for words and could not bridge the emotional gap
between himself and his wife.
“Maybe I just don’t deserve her... a husband is supposed to
love his wife, so why don’t I even desire this closeness that’s so
important to her? What’s wrong with me?” he wondered, as he
What About Mom, Anyhow? • 345