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responsible for Mom and Dad’s feelings. That’s what omnipo-
tent means: “I am powerful enough to make Mom and Dad pull
away. I’d better watch it.”
A parent’s emotional withdrawal can be subtle: A hurt tone
of voice. Long silences for no reason. Or it can be overt: Crying
spells. Illness. Yelling. Children of parents like these grow up to
be adults who are terrified that setting boundaries will cause
severe isolation and abandonment.
Hostility Against Boundaries
“Do I understand why I can’t say no?” Larry chuckled. “Why
don’t you ask me a hard one? I grew up in the military. Dad’s
word was law. And disagreeing was always rebellion. I contra-
dicted him once when I was nine. All I remember is waking up
on the other side of the room with a whopping headache. And
lots of hurt feelings.”
The second boundary injury, easier to spot than the first, is
a parent’s hostility against boundaries. The parent becomes
angry at the child’s attempts at separating from him or her. Hos-
tility can emerge in the form of angry words, physical punish-
ment, or inappropriate consequences.
Some parents will say to the child, “You’ll do what I say.”
This is fair enough. God meant for parents to be in charge of
children. But then they’ll say, “And you’ll like doing it.” This
makes a child crazy, because it’s a denial of the separate soul of
the child. To “make the child like it” is to pressure the child into
becoming a “people pleaser,” not a “God pleaser” (Gal. 1:10).
Some parents criticize the boundaries of their children:
“If you disagree with me, I’ll.. .”
“You’ll do it my way or else.”
“Don’t question your mother.”
“You need an attitude adjustment.”
“You’ve got no reason to feel bad.”
Children need to be under the authority and control of their
parents, but when parents punish their child for his growing
independence, he will usually retreat into hurt and resentment.
Boundaries