75This hostility is a poor counterfeit of God’s program of learn-
ing discipline. Discipline is the art of teaching children self-
control by using consequences. Irresponsible actions should
cause discomfort that motivates us to become more responsible.
The “my-way-or-else” approach teaches children to pretend
to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The “you-
have-a-choice” approach teaches children to be responsible for
their own actions. Instead of saying, “You’ll make your bed or
you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a
choice: Make your bed, and I’ll let you play Nintendo; don’t
make your bed and you lose your Nintendo privileges for the
rest of the day.” The child decides how much pain he is willing
to endure to be disobedient.
God’s discipline teaches, not punishes:
God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his
holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but
painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righ-
teousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
(Heb. 12:10–11)
When parents greet their children’s disagreement, disobe-
dience, or practicing with simple hostility, the children are
denied the benefit of being trained. They don’t learn that delay-
ing gratification and being responsible have benefits. They only
learn how to avoid someone’s wrath. Ever wonder why some
Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read
about his love?
The results of this hostility are difficult to see because these
children quickly learn how to hide under a compliant smile.
When these children grow up they suffer depression, anxiety,
relationship conflicts, and substance-abuse problems. For the
first time in their lives, many boundary-injured individuals real-
ize they have a problem.
Hostility can create problems in both saying and hearing no.
Some children become pliably enmeshed with others. But some
react outwardly and become controlling people—just like the
hostile parent.
How Boundaries Are Developed