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The Bible addresses two distinct reactions to hostility in par-
ents: Fathers are told not to “embitter [their] children, or they
will become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Some children respond to
harshness with compliance and depression. At the same time,
fathers are told not to “exasperate [their] children” (Eph. 6:4).
Other children react to hostility with rage. Many grow up to be
just like the hostile parent who hurt them.
Overcontrol
Overcontrol occurs when otherwise loving parents try to pro-
tect their children from making mistakes by having too-strict rules
and limits. For example, they may keep their children from play-
ing with other kids to protect them from being hurt or learning
bad habits. They may be so concerned about their children catch-
ing a cold that they make them wear galoshes on cloudy days.
The problem with overcontrol is this: while a major respon-
sibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they
must make room for their children to make mistakes. Remem-
ber that we learn maturity “by constant use” (Heb. 5:14). Over-
controlled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment
conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries.
They also have problems taking risks and being creative.
Lack of Limits
Eileen sighed. Her husband Bruce was in his twice-a-week
mode of throwing fits whenever she “dropped the ball.” This
time he was yelling about having to reschedule their night out
with the Billingses. Eileen had forgotten to call a babysitter for
the kids until four that afternoon.
She couldn’t understand why Bruce got so wound up about
such little things. Maybe he just needed some time off. That was
it! Eileen brightened up. We need a vacation! She forgot that
they’d had one a month ago.
Eileen had very loving, but very indulgent parents. They
couldn’t stand to make her do anything, to discipline her with
time-outs, consequences, or spankings. Her folks thought that
Boundaries