3 ."Idon'tlikeitwhensheblamesmeforherunhappiness.Idon'tfeelencouragedtobeherknightin
shiningarmor."
3 .Heneedstofeelencouraged.Insteadhefeelslikegivingup.
Thehiddenreasonsheisarguing Whatsheneednottoargue
6 ."Idon'tlikeitwhenhedoesn'trespondtomyquestionsorcomments.ItmakesmefeellikeIdon'texist.
"
6 .Sheneedstofeelreassuredthatheislisteningandthathecare.Insteadshefeelsignoredorjudged.
- "I don'tlikeitwhenheexplainswhy I should notbehurt, worried, angry,or anythingelse. Ifeel
invalidatedandunsupported.
7 .Sheneedstofeelvalidatedandunderstood.Insteadshefeelsunsupported,unloved,andresentful.
8 ."Idon'tlikeitwhenheexpectsmetobemoredetached.Itmakesmefeellikeitiswrongorweakto
havefeelings."
8 .Sheneedstofeelrespectedandcherished,especiallywhensheissharingherfeelings.Insteadshefeels
unsafeandunprotected.
Thoughallthesepainfulfeelingsandneedsarevalid,theyaregenerallynotdealtwithandcommunicated
directly. Instead they build up insideand come bursting up duringan argument. Sometimesthey are
directlyaddressed,butusuallytheycomeupandareexpressedthroughfacialexpression,bodyposture,
andtoneofvoice.
Menandwomenneedtounderstandandcooperatewiththeirparticularsensitivitiesandnotresentthem.
You willbeaddressing thetrueproblem by tryingto communicate in a way that fulfillyourpartner's
emotionalneeds.Argumentscanthentrulybecomemutuallysupportiveconversationsnecessarytoresolve
andnegotiatedifferencesanddisagreements.
THEANATOMYOFANARGUMENT...............................................................................................
Ahurtfulargumentusuallyhasabasicanatomy.Maybeyoucanrelatetothefollowingexample.
My wifeandIwentonabeautifulwalk andpicnic.Aftereating,everythingseemedfineuntilIstarted
talkingaboutpossibleinvestments.SuddenlyshebecameupsetthatIwouldconsiderinvestingacertain
portionofoursavingsinaggressivestocks.FrommypointofviewIwasonlyconsideringit,butwhatshe
heardwasthatIwasplanningit(withoutevenconsideringherpointofview).ShebecameupsetthatI
woulddosuchathing.Ibecameupsetwithherforbeingupsetwithme,andwehadanargument.
Ithoughtshedisapprovedofmyinvestmentchoicesandarguedfortheirvalidity.Myargumenthowever