Anyformofrejectionisverypainfulbecausetheyarealreadyrejectingthemselvessomuch.Theyseekto
avoidrejectionatallcostsandwanttobelovedbyall.Inthisprocesstheyliterallygiveupwhotheyare.
Youmayhavefoundyourselfinoneofthesefourf'sorinmanyofthem.Peoplecommonlymovefromone
totheother.Ineachoftheabovefourstrategiesourintentionistoprotectourselvesfrombeinghurt.
Unfortunately,itdoesnotwork.Whatworksistoidentifyargumentsandstop.Takeatime_outtocooloff
andthencomebackandtalkagain.Practicecommunicatingwithincreasedunderstandingandrespectfor
theoppositesexandyouwillgraduallylearntoavoidargumentsandfights.
WHYWEARGUE..........................................................................................................................
Men and women commonly argueabout money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and
householdresponsibilities.Thesediscussionsandnegotiations, however,turnintopainfulargumentsfor
onlyonereason_-we are notfeeling loved. Emotionalpaincomes from notfeeling loved, and whena
personisfeelingemotionalpainitishardtobeloving.
BecausewomenarenotfromMars, they donotinstinctively realizewhatamanneedsinordertodeal
successfullywithdisagreemerits.Conflictingideas,feelings,anddesiresareadifficultchallengeforaman.
Thecloserheistoawoman,theharderitistodealwithdifferencesanddisagreements.Whenshedoesn't
likesomethinghehasdone,hetendstotakeitverypersonallyandfeelsshedoesn'tlikehim.
Amancanhandledifferencesanddisagreementsbestwhenhisemotionalneedsarebeingfulfilled.When
heisdeprivedoftheloveheneeds,however,hebecomesdefensiveandhisdarksidebeginstoemerge;
instinctivelyhedrawshissword.
Onthesurfacehemayseemtobearguingabouttheissue(money,responsibilities,andsoforth),butthe
realreasonhehasdrawnhisswordishedoesn'tfeelloved.Whenamanarguesaboutmoney,scheduling,
children,oranyotherissue,secretlyhemaybearguingforsomeofthefollowingreasons:
THESECRETREASONSMENARGUE
Thehiddenreasonheisarguing Whatheneedsnottoargue
1 ."Idon'tlikeitwhenshegetsupsetoverthesmallestthingsIdoordon'tdo.Ifeelcriticized,rejected,
andunaccepted."
1 .Heneedstofeelacceptedjustthewayheis.Insteadhefeelssheistryingtoimprovehim.
2 ."Idon'tlikeitwhenshestartstellingmehowIshoulddothings.Idon'tfeeladmired.InsteadIfeellike
Iambeingtreatedlikeachild."
2 .Heneedstofeeladmired.Insteadhefeelsputdown.