doesn'tmeantheyareapologizingfordoingsomethingwrong.Themenreadingthiswhorarelysay"Iam
sorry" cancreatewondersby learningtousethisaspectoftheVenusianlanguage.Theeasiestwayto
derailanargumentistosay"I'msorry."
Mostargumentsescalatewhenamanbeginstoinvalidateawoman'sfeelingsandsherespondstohim
disapprovingly.Being aman, I'vehadtolearnto practicevalidating. My wifepracticed expressingher
feelingsmoredirectlywithoutdisapprovingofme.Theresultwasfewerfightsandmoreloveandtrust.
Withouthavingthisnewawarenessweprobablywouldstillbehavingthesamearguments.
How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
Themostcommonwaymenstartargumentsisbyinvalidatingawoman'sfeelingsorpointofview.Men
don'trealizehowmuchtheyinvalidate.
Forexample,amanmaymakelightofawoman'snegativefeelings.Hemightsay"Ah,don'tworryabout
it."Toanothermanthisphrasewouldseemfriendly.Buttoafemaleintimatepartneritisinsensitiveand
hurts.
Inanotherexample,amanmighttrytoresolveawoman'supsetbysaying"It'snotsuchabigdeal."Then
he offers somepracticalsolution to the problem, expectingher tobe relievedand happy. Hedoesn't
understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he
validatesherneedtobeupset.
Averycommonexampleiswhenamanhasdonesomethingtoupsetawoman.Hisinstinctistomakeher
feelbetterbyexplainingwhysheshouldn'tbeupset.Heconfidentlyexplainsthathehasaperfectlygood,
logical,andrationalreasonforwhathedid.Hehasnoideathatthisattitudemakesherfeelasthoughshe
hasnorighttobeupset.Whenheexplainshimself,theonlymessagesherighthearisthathedoesn'tcare
aboutherfeelings.
Forhertohearhisgoodreasons,shefirstneedshimtohearhergoodreasonsforbeingupset.Heneeds
toputhisexplanationsonholdandlistenwithunderstanding.Whenhesimplystartstocareabouther
feelingsshewillstarttofeelsupported.
Thischangeinapproachtakespracticebutcanbeachieved.Generally,whenawomansharesfeelingsof
frustration, disappointment, or worry, every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts with a list of
explanationsandjustificationsdesignedtoexplainawayherupsetfeelings.Amanneverintendstomake
mattersworse.HistendencytoexplainawayfeelingsisjustMartianinstinct.
By understanding thathis automatic gutreactions in this instanceare counterproductive, a man can,
however,makethisshift.Throughagrowingawarenessandhisexperiencesofwhatworkswithawoman,
amancanmakethischange.