Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

(Tina Meador) #1

How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments


Themostcommonwaywomenunknowinglystartargumentsisbynotbeingdirectwhentheysharetheir
feelings.Insteadofdirectlyexpressingherdislikeordisappointment,awomanasksrhetoricalquestions
andunknowingly(orknowingly)communicatesamessageofdisapproval.Eventhoughsometimesthisis
notthemessageshewantstogiveitisgenerallywhatamanwillhear.


Forexample,whenamanislate,awomanmayfeel"Idon'tlikewaitingforyouwhenyouarelate"or"I
was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead ofdirectly sharing her
feelingssheasksarhetoricalquestionlike"Howcouldyoubesolate?"or"WhatamIsupposedtothink
whenyou'resolate?"or"Whydidn'tyoucall?"


Certainlyaskingsomeone"Whydidn'tyoucall?"isOKifyouaresincerelylookingforavalidreason.But
whenawomanisupset,thetoneofhervoiceoftenrevealsthatshenotlookingforavalidanswerbutis
makingthepointthatthereisnoacceptablereasonforbeinglate.


Whenamanhearsaquestionlike"Howcouldyoubesolate?"or"Whydidn'tyoucall?"hedoesnothear
her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more
responsible.Hefeelsattackedandbecomesdefensive.Shehasnoideahowpainfulherdisapprovalisto
him.


Justaswomenneedvalidation,menneedapproval.Themoreamanlovesawomanthemoreheneeds
herapproval.Itisalwaysthereinthebeginningofarelationship.Eithershegiveshimthemessagethat
sheapprovesofhimorhefeelsconfidentthathecanwinher approval.In eithercasetheapprovalis
present.


Evenifawomanhasbeenwoundedbyothermenorherfathershewillstillgiveapprovalinthebeginning
oftherelationship.Shemayfeel"Heisaspecialman,notlikeothersIhaveknown."


Awomanwithdrawingthatapprovalisparticularlypainfultoaman.Womenaregenerallyobliviousofhow
theypullawaytheirapproval.Andwhentheydopullitaway,theyfeelveryjustifiedindoingso.Areason
forthisinsensitivityisthatwomenreallyareunawareofhowsignificantapprovalisformen.


Awomancan,however,learntodisagreewithaman'sbehaviorandstillapproveofwhoheis.Foraman
tofeellovedheneedshertoapproveofwhoheis,evenifshedisagreeswithhisbehavior.Generallywhen
awomandisagreeswith aman's behavior and shewantstochangehim, shewilldisapproveofhim.
Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be
disapprovingisverypainfulandhurtshim.


Mostmenaretooashamedtoadmithowmuchtheyneedapproval.Theymaygotogreatlengthstoprove
they don'tcare. But why do they immediately becomecold, distant, and defensivewhenthey losea

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