How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments
Themostcommonwaywomenunknowinglystartargumentsisbynotbeingdirectwhentheysharetheir
feelings.Insteadofdirectlyexpressingherdislikeordisappointment,awomanasksrhetoricalquestions
andunknowingly(orknowingly)communicatesamessageofdisapproval.Eventhoughsometimesthisis
notthemessageshewantstogiveitisgenerallywhatamanwillhear.
Forexample,whenamanislate,awomanmayfeel"Idon'tlikewaitingforyouwhenyouarelate"or"I
was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead ofdirectly sharing her
feelingssheasksarhetoricalquestionlike"Howcouldyoubesolate?"or"WhatamIsupposedtothink
whenyou'resolate?"or"Whydidn'tyoucall?"
Certainlyaskingsomeone"Whydidn'tyoucall?"isOKifyouaresincerelylookingforavalidreason.But
whenawomanisupset,thetoneofhervoiceoftenrevealsthatshenotlookingforavalidanswerbutis
makingthepointthatthereisnoacceptablereasonforbeinglate.
Whenamanhearsaquestionlike"Howcouldyoubesolate?"or"Whydidn'tyoucall?"hedoesnothear
her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more
responsible.Hefeelsattackedandbecomesdefensive.Shehasnoideahowpainfulherdisapprovalisto
him.
Justaswomenneedvalidation,menneedapproval.Themoreamanlovesawomanthemoreheneeds
herapproval.Itisalwaysthereinthebeginningofarelationship.Eithershegiveshimthemessagethat
sheapprovesofhimorhefeelsconfidentthathecanwinher approval.In eithercasetheapprovalis
present.
Evenifawomanhasbeenwoundedbyothermenorherfathershewillstillgiveapprovalinthebeginning
oftherelationship.Shemayfeel"Heisaspecialman,notlikeothersIhaveknown."
Awomanwithdrawingthatapprovalisparticularlypainfultoaman.Womenaregenerallyobliviousofhow
theypullawaytheirapproval.Andwhentheydopullitaway,theyfeelveryjustifiedindoingso.Areason
forthisinsensitivityisthatwomenreallyareunawareofhowsignificantapprovalisformen.
Awomancan,however,learntodisagreewithaman'sbehaviorandstillapproveofwhoheis.Foraman
tofeellovedheneedshertoapproveofwhoheis,evenifshedisagreeswithhisbehavior.Generallywhen
awomandisagreeswith aman's behavior and shewantstochangehim, shewilldisapproveofhim.
Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be
disapprovingisverypainfulandhurtshim.
Mostmenaretooashamedtoadmithowmuchtheyneedapproval.Theymaygotogreatlengthstoprove
they don'tcare. But why do they immediately becomecold, distant, and defensivewhenthey losea