Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
Shesays"Howcouldyouforget?"or"Whenwill
youeverremember?"or"HowamIsupposedto
trustyou?"
When heforgetsto dosomething, themessage
he hears is "There is no good reason for
forgetting.Youarestupidandcan'tbetrusted.I
givesomuchmoretothisrelationship."Whatheexplains Themessageshehears
Whenheforgets to dosomething andshegets
upsetheexplains"Iwasrealbusyandjustforgot.
Thesethingsjusthappensometimes"or"It'snot
suchabigdeal.Itdoesn'tmeanIdon'tcare."
What she hears is "You shouldn'tget so upset
over such trivial matters. You are being too
demandingandyourresponseisirrational.Tryto
bemorerealistic.Youliveinafantasyworld."Howshecanbelessdisapproving Howhecanbemorevalidating
Ifsheisupset,shecouldsay"Idon'tlikeitwhen
youforget."Shecouldalsotakeanothereffective
approach and simply not mention that he has
forgottensomethingandjustaskagain,saying"I
wouldappreciateitifyouwould"(Hewillknowhe
hasforgotten.)
Hesays"Ididforget. Areyouangry withme?"
Thenlethertalk withoutmakingherwrong for
being angry. Asshetalksshewillrealize sheis
being heard and soon she will feel very
appreciativeofhim.3 .WhenHeReturnsfromHisCave
Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
When he comes back from his cave, she says
"How could you be so unfeeling and cold?" or
"How you expectme to react?" or"How am I
supposed to know what's going on inside
you?"
Themessagehehearsis"There'snogoodreason
for pulling away from me. You are cruel and
unloving. You are thewrong man for me. You
have hurt meso much morethan I haveever
hurtyou."Whatheexplains Themessageshehears
When hecomesback from hiscaveand sheis
upsetheexplains"I neededsometimealone,it
wasonlyfortwodays.Whatisthebigdeal?"or
"I didn'tdoanythingtoyou. Why doesitupset
youso?"
What she hears is "You shouldn't feel hurt or
abandoned,andifyoudo,Ihavenoempathyfor
you.Youaretooneedyandcontrolling.Iwilldo
whatever I want, I don't care about, your
feelings."Howshecanbelessdisapproving Howhecanbemorevalidating