Men aremost pronetoargue when they have madea mistake orupsetthe woman they love. Ifhe
disappointsher,hewantstoexplaintoherwhysheshouldnotbesoupset.Hethinkshisreasonswillhelp
hertofeelbetter.Whathedoesn'tknowisthatifsheisupset,whatsheneedsmostistobeheardand
validated.
HOWTOEXPRESSYOURDIFFERENCESWITHOUTARGUING........................................................
Withouthealthyrolemodels,expressingdifferencesanddisagreementscanbeaverydifficulttask.Mostof
ourparentseitherdidnotargueatallorwhentheydiditquicklyescalatedintoafight.Thefollowingchart
revealshowmenandwomenunknowinglycreateargumentsandsuggestshealthyalternatives.
IneachofthetypesofargumentslistedbelowIfirstprovidearhetoricalquestionthatawomanmightask
andthenshowhowamanmightinterpretthatquestion.ThenIshowhowamanmightexplainhimself
andhowawomancouldfeelinvalidatedbywhatshehears.FinallyIsuggesthowmenandwomencan
expressthemselvestobemoresupportiveandavoidarguments.
THEANATOMYOFANARGUMENT
I.WhenHeComesHomeLate
Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
Whenhearriveslateshesays"Howcouldyoube
solate?"or“Whydidn'tyoucall?"or"WhatamI
supposedtothink?"
The message he hears is "There is no good
reasonforyoutobelate!Youareirresponsible.I
wouldneverbelate.Iambetterthanyou."Whatheexplains Themessageshehears
Whenhearriveslateandsheisupsetheexplains
"There was a lot of traffic on the bridge_ or
"Sometimeslife can'tbe theway you want" or
"Youcan'texpectmetoalwaysbeontime."
What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset
because I have these good and logical reasons
forbeinglate. Anywaymy workismoreimpor-
tantthanyou,andyouaretoodemanding!"Howshetobelessdisapproving Howhetobemorevalidating
Shecouldsay"Ireallydon'tlikeitwhenyouare
late. It is upsetting to me. I would really
appreciateacallnexttimeyou aregoing to be
late."
Hesays"Iwaslate,I'msorryIupsetyou."Most
importantistojustlistenwithoutexplainingmuch.
Trytounderstandandvalidatewhatsheneeds
tofeelloved.2 .WhenHeForgetsSomething