Whenhedoesn'trespectherfeelingsandshegets
evenmoreupset,heexplains"Look,Ididn'tmean
that"or"Idolistentoyou;seeIamdoingsoright
now" or"Idon'talwaysignoreyou"or"Iamnot
laughingatyou."
Whatshehearsis"Youhavenorighttobeupset.
You are not making any sense. You are too
sensitive, something is wrong withyou. You are
suchaburden."Howshecanbelessdisapproving Howhecanbemorevalidating
Shecouldsay"Idon'tlikethewayyouaretalking
tome.Pleasestop"or"YouarebeingmeanandI
don'tappreciateit. Iwantto takeatimeout"or
"This is not the way I wanted to have this
conversation. Let's start over" or "I don't
deservetobe treated thisway. Iwantto
take a time out" or "Would you please not
interrupt"or"WouldyoupleaselistentowhatIam
saying." (A man can respond best to short and
direct statements. Lectures or questions are
counterproductive.)
Hesays"I'msorry,youdon'tdeservetobetreated
thatway.Takeadeepbreathandjustlistentoher
response.Shemaycarryonandsaysomethinglike
"Youneverlisten."Whenshepauses,say"Youare
right.SometimesIdon'tlisten.I'msorry,youdon't
deservetobe treated thatway. Let's start over.
This time we will do it better." Starting a
conversationover isan excellentway tokeep an
argumentfrom escalating.Ifshedoesn't wantto
startoverdon'tmakeherfeelwrong.Remember,if
yougivehertherighttobeupsetthenshewillbe
moreacceptingandapproving.6 .WhenHeIsinaHurryandSheDoesn'tLikeIt
Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
Shecomplains"Whyarewealwaysinahurry?"or
"Whydoyoualwayshavetorushplaces?"
Themessagehehearsis"Thereisnogoodreason
for this rushing! You never make me happy.
Nothingwilleverchangeyou.Youareincompetent
andobviouslyyoudon'tcareaboutme."Whatheexplains Themessageshehears
Heexplains"it'snotsobad"or"Thisisthewayit
has always been" or "There is nothing we can
doaboutitnow"or"Don'tworry so
much;itwillbefine.
Whatshehearsis"Youhavenorighttocomplain.
Youshouldbegratefulforwhatyouhaveandnot
besuchadissatisfiedandunhappyperson.There
is nogood reason to complain, you arebringing
everyonedown."