Howshecanbelessdisapproving Howhecanbemorevalidating
Ifshefeelsupsetshecansay "It'sOKthatwearerushingandIdon'tlikeit.Itfeelslikewe'realways
rushing"or"IloveitwhenwearenotinahurryandIhateitsometimeswhenwehavetorush,Ijust
don'tlikeit.Wouldyouplanournexttripwithfifteenminutesofextratime?"
Hesays"Idon'tlikeiteither.Iwishwecouldjustslowdown.Itfeelssocrazy."Inthisexamplehehas
related to herfeelings.Evenifapartofhim likestorush, hecanbestsupportherin hermomentof
frustrationbyexpressinghowsomepartofhimselfsincerelyrelatestoherfrustration.
7 .WhenSheFeelsInvalidatedinaConversation
Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
When she feels unsupported or invalidated in a
conversation,shesays"Whydidyousaythat?"or
"Why do you have to talk to me this way?" or
"Don'tyouevencareaboutwhatI'msaying?" or
"Howcanyousaythat?"
Themessagehehearsis"Thereisnogoodreason
fortreatingmethisway.Thereforeyoudonotlove
me.Youdonotcare.Igiveyousomuchandyou
givebacknothing!"Whatheexplains Themessageshehears
Whenshefeelsinvalidatedandgetsupset,heexplains"Butyouarenotmakingsense"or"Butthatisnot
whatIsaid"or"I'veheardallthisbefore."
Whatshehearsis"Youhavenorighttobeupset.Youareirrationalandconfused.Iknowwhatisright
andyoudon't.Iamsuperiortoyou.Youcausethesearguments,notme."
Howshecanbelessdisapproving Howhecanbemorevalidating
Shecouldsay"Idon'tlikewhatYouaresaying.It
feelsasifyouarejudgingme.Idon'tdeservethat.
Pleaseunderstandme" or"I'vehadahardday.I
knowthisisnot yourfault.AndIneedyouto
understand whatI'm feeling." or she can simply
overlookhiscommentsandaskforwhatshewants,
saying"Iaminsuchabadmood,wouldyoulisten
tomefor a while? Itwill help me feelsomuch
better."(Menneedlotsofencouragementtolisten.)
He says "I'm sorry it's not comfortable for you.
What areyouhearing me say?" By giving hera
chancetoreflectbackwhatshehasheardthenhe
can again say "I'm sorry. I understand why you
didn'tlikeit."Thensimplypause.Thisisatimeto
listen.Resistthetemptationtoexplaintoherthat
sheismisinterpretingwhatyousaid.Oncethehurt
isthereitneedstobeheardifitistobehealed.
Explanations are helpful only after the hurt is
healed with some validation and caring