AVOIDINGARGUMENTSTHROUGHLOVINGCOMMUNICATION.....................................................
Emotionallychargedargumentsandquarrelscanbeavoidedifwecanunderstandwhatourpartnerneeds
andremembertogiveit.Thefollowingstoryillustrateshowwhen awoman communicatesdirectly her
feelingsandwhenamanvalidatesthosefeelingsanargumentcanbeavoided.
Irememberonceleavingforavacationwithmywife.Aswedroveoffinthecarandcouldfinallyrelax
fromahecticweek,IexpectedBonnietobehappythatweweregoingonsuchagreatvacation.Instead
shegaveaheavysighandsaid,"Ifeellikemylifeisalong,slowtorture."
Ipaused,took adeepbreath,andthenreplied, "Iknowwhatyou mean, Ifeellikethey aresqueezing
everyounceoflifeoutofme."AsIsaidthisImadeamotionasifIwerewringingthewateroutofarag.
Bonnienoddedherheadinagreementandtomyamazementshesuddenlysmiledandthenchangedthe
subject.Shestartedtalkingabouthowexcitedshewastogoonthistrip.Sixyearsagothiswouldnothave
happened.WewouldhavehadanargumentandIwouldhavemistakenlyblameditonher.
I would have been upsetwithherforsaying herlifewasalong, slow torture. I would have taken it
personallyandfeltthatshewascomplainingaboutme.Iwouldhavebecomedefensiveandexplainedthat
ourlifewasnotatortureandthatsheshouldbegratefulthatweweregoingonsuchawonderfulvacation.
Thenwewouldhavearguedandhadalong,torturousvacation.AllthiswouldhavehappenedbecauseI
didn'tunderstandandvalidateherfeelings.
This time, I understood she was justexpressing a passing feeling. It wasn'ta statement about me.
Because I understood this I didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung out she felt
completely validated. In response, she wasvery accepting ofmeand I felther love, acceptance, and
approval.BecauseIhavelearnedtovalidateherfeelings,shegottheloveshedeserved.Wedidn'thavean
argument.