"Weneedtotalk." "It is your fault we don't talk
enough.Youshouldtalkwithme
more"(blame).5 .UseCorrectWording.Oneofthemostcommonmistakesinaskingforsupportistheuseofcouldand
can Inplaceofwouldandwill."Couldyouemptythetrash?"ismerelyaquestiongatheringinformation.
"Wouldyouemptythetrash?"isarequest.
Womenoftenuse"couldyou?"indirectlytoimply"wouldyou?"AsImentionedbefore,Indirectrequests
areaturnoff.Whenusedoccasionally theycertainly may gounnoticed,butpersistently using can and
couldbeginstoirritatemen.
WhenIsuggesttowomenthattheybeginaskingforsupport,sometimestheypanicbecausetheirpartners
havealreadymadecommentsmanytimessuchas:
- "Don'tnagme."
- "Don'taskmetodothingsallthetime."
- "Stoptellingmewhattodo."
- "Ialreadyknowwhattodo."
- "Youdon'thavetotellmethat."
Inspiteofhowitsoundstoawoman,whenamanmakesthiskindofcomment,whathereallymeansisI.
Idon'tlikethewayyouask!"Ifawomandoesn'tunderstandhowcertainlanguagecanaffectmen,she
willgetevenmoresnarled.Shebecomesafraidtoaskandstartssaying"Couldyou..."becauseshethinks
sheisbeingmorepolite.ThoughthisworkswellonVenus,itdoesn'tworkatallonMars.
OnMarsitwouldbeaninsulttoaskaman"Canyouemptythetrash?"Ofcoursehecanemptythetrash!
Thequestionisnotcanheemptythetrashbutwillheemptythetrash.Afterhehasbeeninsulted,hemay
saynojustbecauseyouhaveirritatedhim.
What Men Want to Be Asked
WhenIexplainthisdistinctionbetweenthecwordsandthewwordsinmyseminars,womentendtothink
Iammakingabigdealovernothing.Towomenthereisnotmuchdifference--infact,"couldyou?"may
evenseemmorepolitethan"wouldyou?"Buttomanymenitisabigdifference.Becausethisdistinctionis
soimportant,I'mincludingcommentsbyseventeendifferentmenwhoattendedmyseminars.
1 .WhenIamasked"Couldyoucleanupthebackyard"Ireallytakeitliterally.Isay,"Icoulddoit,sureit's
possible."ButIamnotsaying"Iwilldoit,"andIcertainlydon'tfeellikeIammakingapromisetodoit.