Inthesameway,ifunresolvedfeelingsarecomingup,wewillbeoverlysensitivetothenormalpokesand
bumpsofrelating.
Inthebeginningofarelationshipwemaynotbeassensitive.Ittakestimeforourpastfeelingstocome
up.Butwhentheydocomeup,wereactdifferentlytoourpartners.Inmostrelationships, 90 percentof
whatisupsettingtouswouldnotbeupsettingifourpastunresolvedfeelingswerenotcomingup.
How We Can Support Each Other
Whenaman'spastcomesup,hegenerallyheadsforhiscave.Heisoverlysensitiveatthosetimesand
needsalotofacceptance.Whenawoman'spastcomesupiswhenherself-esteemcrashes.Shedescends
intothewellofherfeelingsandneedstenderlovingcare.
Thisinsighthelpsyoutocontrolyourfeelingswhenthey comeup.Ifyouareupsetwithyourpartner,
beforeconfrontinghimorherfirstwriteoutyourfeelingsonpaper.ThroughtheprocessofwritingLove
Lettersyournegativitywillbeautomaticallyreleasedandyourpasthurtwillbehealed.LoveLettershelp
center you in present time so that you can respond to your partner in a more trusting, accepting,
understanding,andforgivingway.
Understandingthe 90 /I 0 principlealsohelpswhenyourpartnerisreactingstronglytoyou.Knowingthat
heorsheisbeinginfluencedbythepastcanhelpyoutobemoreunderstandingandsupportive.
Nevertellyourpartner,whenitappearsasthoughtheir"stuff"iscomingup,thattheyareoverreacting.
Thatjusthurtsthemmore.Ifyoupokedsomeonerightinthemiddleofawoundyouwouldn'ttellthem
theywereoverreacting.
Understandinghowthefeelingsofthepastcomeupgivesusagreaterunderstandingofwhyourpartners
reactthewaytheydo. Itispartoftheirhealingprocess.Givethemsometimetocooloffandbecome
centeredagain.Ifitistoodifficulttolistentotheirfeelings,encouragethemtowriteyouaLoveLetter
beforeyoutalkaboutwhatwassoupsetting.
A Healing Letter
Understandinghowyourpastaffectsyourpresentreactionshelpsyouhealyourfeelings.Ifyourpartner
hasupsetyouin someway,writethemaLoveLetter,andwhileyouarewritingask yourselfhowthis
relatestoyourpast.Asyouwriteyoumayfindmemoriescomingupfromyourpastanddiscoverthatyou
arereallyupsetwithyourownmotherorfather.Atthispointcontinuewritingbutnowaddressyourletter
toyourparent.ThenwritealovingResponseLetter.Sharethisletterwithyourpartner.
Theywilllikehearingyourletter.Itfeelsgreatwhenyourpartnertakesresponsibilityforthe 90 percentof