reallygood,happy,orloving.Atthesepositivetimes,couplesmayunexplainablyfightwhenitseemsas
thoughtheyshouldbehappy.
Forexample,couplesmay fightwhenthey moveintoanew home,redecorate, attendagraduation, a
religious celebration, or a wedding, receive presents, go on a vacation or car ride, finish a project,
celebrateChristmasorThanksgiving,decidetochangeanegativehabit,buyanewcar,makeapositive
careerchange,winalottery, makealotofmoney,decidetospendalotofmoney,orhavegreatlove
making.
Atallofthesespecialoccasionsoneorbothpartnersmay suddenly experienceunexplainedmoodsand
reactions;theupsettendstobeeitherbefore,during,orrightaftertheoccasion.Itmaybeveryinsightful
toreviewtheabovelistofspecialoccasionsandreflector.howyourparentsmighthaveexperiencedthese
occasionsaswellasreflectonhowyouhaveexperiencedtheseoccasionsinyourrelationships.
THE 90 / 10 PRINCIPLE.................................................................................................................
By understandinghowpastunresolvedfeelingsperiodicallysurface,itiseasytounderstandwhywecan
becomesoeasilyhurtbyourpartners.Whenweareupset,about 90 percentoftheupsetisrelatedtoour
pastandhasnothingtodowithwhatwethinkisupsettingus.GenerallyonlyaboutI 0 percentofourupset
isappropriatetothepresentexperience.
Let'slook atanexample.Ifourpartnerseemsalittlecriticalofus,itmayhurtourfeelingsalittle.But
becauseweareadultswearecapableofunderstandingthattheydon'tmeantobecriticalormaybewe
seethattheyhadabadday.Thisunderstandingpreventstheircriticismfrombeingtoohurtful.Wedon't
takeitpersonally.
Butonanotherdaytheircriticismisverypainful.Onthisotherdayourwoundedfeelingsfromthepastare
ontheirwayup.Asaresultwearemorevulnerabletoourpartner'scriticism.Ithurtsalotbecauseasa
childwewerecriticizedseverely.Ourpartner'scriticismhurtsmorebecauseittriggersourpasthurtaswell.
Asachildwewerenotabletounderstandthatwewereinnocentandthatourparents'negativitywastheir
problem.Inchildhoodwetakeallcriticism,rejection,andblamepersonally.
Whentheseunresolvedfeelingsfromchildhoodarecomingup,weeasilyinterpretourpartner'scomments
as criticism, rejection, and blame. Having adult discussions at these times is hard. Everything is
misunderstood.Whenourpartnerseemscritical, 10 percentofourreactionrelatestotheireffectonusand
90 percentrelatestoourpast.
Imaginesomeonepokingyourarmalittleorgentlybumpingintoyou.Itdoesn'thurtalot.Nowimagine
youhaveanopenwoundorsoreandsomeonestartspokingatitorbumpsintoyou.Ithurtsmuchmore.