defensiveandthenremindedherofallthetimewehavespenttogether,orIwouldhavetoldherhow
importantitwastomeetmydeadline.Thiswouldhavejustcreatedtension.
Thenewme,awareofourdifferences,understoodshewaslookingforreassuranceandunderstandingand
notjustificationsandexplanations.Isaid,"You'reright,wehavebeenreallybusy.Sitdownhereonmylap,
letmegiveyouahug.It'sbeenalongday."
Shethensaid,"Youfeelreallygood."ThiswastheappreciationIneededinordertobemoreavailableto
her.Shethenproceededtocomplainmoreaboutherdayandhowexhaustedshewas.Afterafewminutes
shepaused.Ithenofferedtodropoffthebabysittersoshecouldrelaxandmeditatebeforedinner.
Shesaid,"Really,you'lltakethebabysitterhome?Thatwouldbegreat.Thankyou!"Againshegaveme
theappreciationandacceptanceIneededtofeellikeasuccessfulpartner,evenwhenshewastiredand
exhausted.
Womendon'tthinkofgivingappreciationbecausetheyassumeamanknowshowmuchsheappreciates
beingheard.Hedoesn'tknow.WWWWhhhheeeennnnsssshhhheeeeiiiissssttttaaaallllkkkkiiiinnnnggggaaaabbbboooouuuuttttpppprrrroooobbbblllleeeemmmmssss,,,,hhhheeeennnneeeeeeeeddddssssttttoooobbbbeeeerrrreeeeaaaassssssssuuuurrrreeeeddddtttthhhhaaaatttt
hhhheeeeiiiissssssssttttiiiilllllllllllloooovvvveeeeddddaaaannnnddddaaaapppppppprrrreeeecccciiiiaaaatttteeeedddd....
Menfeelfrustratedbyproblemsunlessthey aredoingsomethingtosolvethem.Byappreciatinghim,a
womancanhelphimrealizethatjustbylisteningheisalsohelping.
Awomandoesnothavetosuppressherfeelingsorevenchangethemtosupportherpartner.Shedoes,
however,needtoexpresstheminawaythatdoesn'tmakehimfeelattacked,accused,orblamed.Making
afewsmallchangescanmakeabigdifference.
Four Magic Words of Support
Thefourmagicwordstosupportamanare"It'snotyourfault."Whenawomanisexpressingherupset
feelingsshecansupportamanby pausingoccasionallytoencouragehimbysaying"Ireally appreciate
yourlistening,andifthissoundsasifI'msayingit'syourfault,that'snotwhatImean.It'snotyourfault."
Awomancanlearntobesensitivetoherlistenerwhensheunderstandshistendencytostartfeelinglikea
failurewhenhehearsalotofproblems.
Justtheotherdaymysistercalledmeandtalkedaboutadifficultexperiencethatshewasgoingthrough.
AsIlistenedIkeptrememberingthattosupportmysisterIdidn'thavetogiveheranysolutions.She
needed someonejustto listen. After ten minutes of just listening and occasionally sayingthings like
"uh_huh,""oh,"and"ready!"shethensaid,"Well,thankyou,john.Ifeelsomuchbetter."
ItwasmucheasiertohearherbecauseIknewshewasnotblamingme.Shewasblamingsomeoneelse.I
finditmoredifficultwhenmywifeisunhappybecauseitiseasierformetofeelblamed.However,when