mywifeencouragesmetolistenbyappreciatingme,itbecomesmucheasiertobeagoodlistener.
What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming
Reassuringamanthatitisnothisfaultorthatheisnotbeingblamedworksonlyaslongasshetrulyis
notblaminghim,disapprovingofhim,orcriticizinghim.Ifsheisattackinghim,thensheshouldshareher
feelingswithsomeoneelse.Sheshouldwaituntilsheismorelovingandcenteredtotalktohim.Shecould
shareherresentfulfeelingswithsomeonesheisnotupsetwith,whowillbeabletogiveherthesupport
sheneeds.Thenwhenshefeelsmorelovingandforgivingshecansuccessfullyapproachhimtoshareher
feelings.InchapterIIwewillexploreingreaterdetailhowtocommunicatedifficultfeelings.
Now to Listen Without Blaming
Amanoftenblamesawomanforbeingblamingwhensheisinnocently talkingaboutproblems.Thisis
verydestructivetotherelationshipbecauseitblockscommunication.
Imagineawomansaying"Allweeverdoiswork,work,work.Wedon'thaveanyfunanymore.Youareso
serious."Amancouldveryeasilyfeelsheisblaminghim.
Ifhefeelsblamed,Isuggesthenotblamebackandsay"Ifeellikeyouareblamingme."
InsteadIsuggestsaying"ItisdifficulttohearyousayIamsoserious.Areyousayingitisallmyfaultthat
wedon'thavemorefun?"
Orhecouldsay"IthurtswhenIhearyousayIamsoseriousandwedon'thaveanyfun.Areyousaying
thatitisallmyfault?"
Inaddition,toimprovethecommunicationhecangiveherawayout.Hecouldsay"Itfeelslikeyouare
sayingitisallmyfaultthatweworksomuch.Isthattrue?"
Orhecouldsay"Whenyousaywedon'thaveanyfunandthatIamsoserious,Ifeellikeyouaresayingit
isallmyfault.Areyou?"
Alloftheseresponsesarerespectfulandgiveherachancetotakebackanyblamethathemighthavefelt.
Whenshesays"Oh,no,I'mnotsayingit'sallyourfault"hewillprobablyfeelsomewhatrelieved.
AnotherapproachthatIfindmosthelpfulistorememberthatshealwayshasarighttobeupsetandthat
onceshegetsitout,shewillfeelmuchbetter.ThisawarenessallowsmetorelaxandrememberthatifI
canlistenwithouttakingitpersonally,thenwhensheneedstocomplainshewillbesoappreciativeofme.
Evenifshewasblamingme,shewillnotholdontoit.