Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

(Tina Meador) #1

mywifeencouragesmetolistenbyappreciatingme,itbecomesmucheasiertobeagoodlistener.


What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming


Reassuringamanthatitisnothisfaultorthatheisnotbeingblamedworksonlyaslongasshetrulyis
notblaminghim,disapprovingofhim,orcriticizinghim.Ifsheisattackinghim,thensheshouldshareher
feelingswithsomeoneelse.Sheshouldwaituntilsheismorelovingandcenteredtotalktohim.Shecould
shareherresentfulfeelingswithsomeonesheisnotupsetwith,whowillbeabletogiveherthesupport
sheneeds.Thenwhenshefeelsmorelovingandforgivingshecansuccessfullyapproachhimtoshareher
feelings.InchapterIIwewillexploreingreaterdetailhowtocommunicatedifficultfeelings.


Now to Listen Without Blaming


Amanoftenblamesawomanforbeingblamingwhensheisinnocently talkingaboutproblems.Thisis
verydestructivetotherelationshipbecauseitblockscommunication.


Imagineawomansaying"Allweeverdoiswork,work,work.Wedon'thaveanyfunanymore.Youareso
serious."Amancouldveryeasilyfeelsheisblaminghim.


Ifhefeelsblamed,Isuggesthenotblamebackandsay"Ifeellikeyouareblamingme."


InsteadIsuggestsaying"ItisdifficulttohearyousayIamsoserious.Areyousayingitisallmyfaultthat
wedon'thavemorefun?"


Orhecouldsay"IthurtswhenIhearyousayIamsoseriousandwedon'thaveanyfun.Areyousaying
thatitisallmyfault?"


Inaddition,toimprovethecommunicationhecangiveherawayout.Hecouldsay"Itfeelslikeyouare
sayingitisallmyfaultthatweworksomuch.Isthattrue?"


Orhecouldsay"Whenyousaywedon'thaveanyfunandthatIamsoserious,Ifeellikeyouaresayingit
isallmyfault.Areyou?"


Alloftheseresponsesarerespectfulandgiveherachancetotakebackanyblamethathemighthavefelt.
Whenshesays"Oh,no,I'mnotsayingit'sallyourfault"hewillprobablyfeelsomewhatrelieved.


AnotherapproachthatIfindmosthelpfulistorememberthatshealwayshasarighttobeupsetandthat
onceshegetsitout,shewillfeelmuchbetter.ThisawarenessallowsmetorelaxandrememberthatifI
canlistenwithouttakingitpersonally,thenwhensheneedstocomplainshewillbesoappreciativeofme.
Evenifshewasblamingme,shewillnotholdontoit.

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