becomeimpatientbecauseheissuddenlyavailabletopickuptheintimacyatwhateverlevelofintensityit
waswhenhepulledawayandsheisnot.
Why Men Pull Away
Men begin to feeltheir need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for
intimacy.Automaticallywhenhebeginstopullaway,shebeginstopanic.Whatshedoesn'trealizeisthat
whenhepullsawayandfulfillshisneedforautonomythensuddenlyhewillwanttobeintimateagain.A
manautomaticallyalternatesbetweenneedingintimacyandautonomy.
Forexample,inthebeginningofhisrelationshipJeffwasstrongandfullofdesire.Hisrubberbandwas
fullystretched.Hewantedtoimpressher,fulfillher,pleaseher,andgetclosetoher.Ashesucceededshe
alsowantedtogetcloser.Assheopenedherhearttohimhegotcloserandcloser.Whentheyachieved
intimacyhefeltwonderful.Butafterabriefperiodachangetookplace.
Imaginewhathappenstotherubberband.Therubberbandbecomeslimp.Itspowerandstretcharegone.
Thereis nolongerany movement.Thisis exactly what happensto aman'sdesire to getclose after
intimacyhasbeenachieved.
Eventhoughthisclosenessisfulfillingtoaman,hewillinevitablybegintogothroughaninnershift.He
willbegintofeeltheurgetopullaway.Havingtemporarilyfulfilledhishungerforintimacy,henowfeels
hishungertobeindependent,tobeonhisown.Enoughofthisneedinganotherperson.Hemayfeelhe
hasbecometoodependentormaynotknowwhyhefeelsaneedtopullaway.
Why Women Panic
AsJeffinstinctivelypullsawaywithoutanyexplanationtoMaggie(ortohimself),Maggiereactswithfear.
Shepanicsandrunsafterhim. Shethinksshehasdonesomethingwrongandhasturnedhimoff.She
imaginesheisexpectinghertoreestablishintimacy.Sheisafraidhewillnevercomeback.
Tomakemattersworse,shefeelspowerlesstogethimbackbecauseshedoesn'tknowwhatshedidto
turnhimoff.Shedoesn'tknowthatthisisjustapartofhisintimacycycle.Whensheaskshimwhat'sthe
matter,hedoesn'thaveaclearanswer,andsoheresiststalkingaboutit.Hejustcontinuestodistanceher
evenmore.
Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love
Withoutanunderstandingofthiscycleitiseasytoseehowmenandwomenbegintodoubttheirlove.
WithoutseeinghowshewaspreventingJefffromfindinghispassion,MaggiecouldeasilyassumethatJeff
didn'tloveher.Withoutgettingthechancetopullaway,Jeffwouldlosetouchwithhisdesireandpassion