tobeclose.HecouldeasilyassumethathenolongerlovedMaggie.
Afterlearningto letJeffhave his distanceor "space," Maggiediscoveredthathedid comeback. She
practicednotrunningafterhimwhenhewouldwithdrawandtrustedthateverythingwasOK.Eachtimehe
didcomeback.
Ashertrustinthisprocessgrew,itbecameeasierforhernottopanic.Whenhepulledawayshedidnot
run afterhimor even think somethingwas wrong. Sheaccepted thispartofJeff.Themore shejust
acceptedhimatthosetimesthesoonerhewouldreturn.AsJeffbegantounderstandhischangingfeelings
andneeds,hebecamemoreconfidentin hislove. Hewasable tomakeacommitment. Thesecretof
MaggieandJeff’ssuccesswasthattheyunderstoodandacceptedthatmenarelikerubberbands.
HOWWOMENMISINTERPRETMEN................................................................................................
Withoutanunderstandingofhowmenarelikerubberbands,itisveryeasyforwomentomisinterpreta
man'sreactions.Acommonconfusion ariseswhenshesays"Let'stalk"andimmediately heemotionally
distanceshimself.Rightwhenshewantstoopenupandgetcloser,hewantstopullaway.CommonlyI
hearthecomplaint"EverytimeIwanttotalk,hepullsaway.Ifeellikehedoesn'tcareaboutme."She
mistakenlyconcludesthathedoesn'teverwanttotalktoher.
Thisrubberbandanalogyexplainshowamanmaycareverymuchabouthispartnerbutsuddenlypull
away.Whenhepullsawayitisnotbecausehedoesnotwanttotalk.Instead,heneedssometimealone;
timetobewithhimselfwhenheisnotresponsibleforanyoneelse. Itisatimeforhimtotakecareof
himself.Whenhereturnsthenheisavailabletotalk.
To a certain extent a man loses himselfthrough connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs,
problems,wants,andemotionshemaylosetouchwithhisownsenseofself.Pullingawayallowshimto
reestablishhispersonalboundariesandfulfillhisneedtofeetautonomous.
Somemen,however,maydescribethispullingawaydifferently.Tothemitisjustafeelingof"Ineedsome
space"or"Ineedtobealone."Regardlessofhowitisdescribed,whenamanpullsaway,heisfulfillinga
validneedtotakecareofhimselfforawhile.
Justaswedonotdecidetobehungry,amandoesnotdecidetopullaway.Itisaninstinctualurge.He
canonly getsoclose, andthenhebeginstolosehimself. Atthis pointhebeginsto feelhisneedfor
autonomyandbeginstopullaway.Byunderstandingthisprocess,womencanbegincorrectlytointerpret
thispullingaway.