is difficult for a woman to instinctively support a man in this
process. As a result, she can unknowingly sabotage the growth
of a man’s love and attraction for her.
When a man pulls away, it is very important that she not
pursue him or try to get him back. She must be careful not to
be rejecting when he returns. A man needs to feel that she
freely accepts his tendency to pull away.
Women mistakenly assume that more intimacy is better.
When a man pulls away, a woman thinks something is wrong
and wants to experience more intimacy. The wise woman
learns to give a man his space and trust that he will once again
find his hunger to be with her on his own. She understands
that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” She even encour-
ages him to spend time with his friends away from her. By
giving him distance, she lets him feel his desire to pursue her
and win her over and over again.
MEN ARE LIKE RUBBER BANDS
When a woman accepts a man’s need to pull away, she sets
the right conditions for him to find within himself his desire
to be close to her. As I explained when discussing stage two,
men are like rubber bands. When they pull away they can only
stretch so far before they come springing back. By supporting
a man’s tendency to pull away, a woman ensures that he can
find the love in his heart to come back.
Each time he comes back to her, he will love her more. His
need to pull away will diminish slowly over time. It will always
be there to some degree, but it becomes less extreme. A man’s
tendency to pull away is most extreme when he experiences
intimacy before he is ready. If a man gets close to a woman
before he has experienced chemistry on all four levels—phys-
ical, emotional, mental, and spiritual—he may not come back
102 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.