in stage three he needed to keep doing the things he did to win
her over. One of the most important things was to keep talking
as he had talked on the first few dates.
Why Jerry Stopped ListeningQuite often in the third stage, some men make the mistake
of not listening to or looking at their date as much. Stephanie
complained, “Once we started going steady, Jerry stopped
listening. I could be talking and he would just look away. I
couldn’t believe it.” Stephanie assumed that he was another
jerk who came on strong and then became passively interested.
Jerry, like many men, made the mistake of relaxing too much
in stage three. He had no idea that he was turning Stephanie
off. As a result, she felt offended and ended their relationship.
It was important for Stephanie to understand why this
happened or her opinion of men would stay jaded. In a
Mars/Venus workshop she learned how she had misinter-
preted Jerry’s feelings.
While doing business, a man will always focus directly on
the person talking to him, but in a relaxed social setting this
tendency changes. When two best friends have lunch together,
they are not in any way offended if one looks away.
Particularly in a relaxed social setting, a man feels most
comfortable looking around while a person is talking. This is
why bars always have a TV going. Men don’t feel offended at
all when the person to whom they are talking is watching and
listening to a game at the same time.
After Stephanie learned more about Martian customs, her
feelings about men began to soften. She learned that Jerry had
stopped doing a lot of the things he used to do because he was
convinced that he wanted to pursue a relationship with her.
74 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.