Touching to Convey Messages ...................................................................
The thing about touching is that it means many things to different people.
Touching is a great way to offer comfort, create a bond, and increase your
influence. Some people use the gesture as a sign of reassurance, support, and
encouragement. Others use it as a signal that they want to interrupt you.
Touching frequently occurs when someone’s expressing excitement or is feel-
ing festive. You also see people touch one another when there’s a disaster or
when they’re listening to another person’s troubles.The act of touching isn’t straightforward. Touch in an appropriate way and you
come across as a caring, sharing kind of person. Touch incorrectly and you’re
perceived as an untrustworthy sleaze. Like most things, it’s not what you do,
it’s how you do it. So heed this advice:When to touch:Neither the United States nor Britain are societies that
encourage a vast amount of touching between individuals. People tend
to relate a touch to a sexual advance when the intention may simply be
to show support, express sympathy, or demonstrate tender feelings.
Different people respond differently to touching. Some people are nat-
ural touchers and freely give, and comfortably receive, hugs and kisses.
For others, unsolicited touching is an anathema and is to be avoided at
all costs. If in doubt, don’t touch.Before touching another person pay attention to the kinds of contact
he feels comfortable with. Until you know someone well, proceed with
caution.
Where to touch:A great deal of research has been conducted about
where you’re allowed to put your hands on another person and where
you better not touch. The findings consistently conclude that your
opposite-sex friends have more leeway about where they can place their
hands on you than your same-sex friends. Unless, that is, you’re gay or
lesbian, in which case the opposite is true. Mothers are allowed more
leeway, but not fathers.Where not to touch:Different cultures have different rules about touch-
ing. For example, what you may consider to be an affectionate gesture,
such as patting a child on the head or ruffling a friend’s hair, is highly
insulting in Thailand.
How long to touch:Most parents instinctively know long they may touch
their children. For example, during a child’s infancy both parents are
comfortable bathing and changing the child. As the child grows older the
father leaves these activities to the mother. This occurs slightly earlier
for his daughter than for his son. Eventually, too, the mother leaves her
child to bathe alone (and hopes he does a good job of it).Chapter 8: Arming Yourself 133